I should stop feeling obliged to cater to everyone's wishes.
also the Bridgerton Kinkmeme
is open and it already has a shitload of great prompts I'm going to do something I think.
KONMARIED MY CLOSET! yay!
the ugly thing is that I missed doing yoga for 2 consecutive days and I don't want to start doing that. my daily yoga routine is something that's really really REALLY helping me through these times and if I start failing that one I might not catch it back again and I don't want that.
anyway: Bridgerton Kinkmeme
probably konmari-ing again
I'm in a slump and I'm re-reading marie kondo because I want to do it again. Which brings me to the point that what she says about not having to do it ever ever again is a bit of a nonsense. It is true that I've done it years ago and I didn't fall back for a long time but I have in these years changed life, bought new stuff that I later regretted, old stuff has ugly memories associated to them... I do have the habit of throwing away stuff I don't care for, but I do want to make a proper full on check from top to bottom.
I feel like I've never had a voice in all my life. There is a reason why I'm not able to express anything and I can't talk about stuff, it is because when I do I'm not heard, I'm silenced and deliberately ignored and forgotten by everyone around me. It is no wonder that I let myself into abusive friendships with people who think only of themselves and where I don't count anything and I'm there only to serve their needs.
The worst thing about all of this is how fast and slow times moves. I don't know where this week has gone, I don't know where this day has gone. But sure as hell it was so long.
Me after literal years since I've last used windows: that's it, I'm going the easy way and use fucking command line because there's no way I'll find my way out of here.
Hello I'd like to stop having a panic attack every time the interphone goes off.
I feel myself slip again into an unorganized mess. Today I woke up too late and I hate it. I hate when I waste the morning away. Work is too slow at the moment to give me enough of a push to wake up like a normal person, because "eeeeh, I can always do it in the afternoon".
I'm looking back at my days and I wished I'd done something out of them. I wish I'd painted, I wish I sew something, I wish I went somewhere... And I'm not actually doing any of these things. The Only productive thing I've done lately has been coding a bit for fun.
I'm feeling so bittersweet. Saying goodbye to something that once was great and that now has so many different implications.
I, as I imagine everyone else as well, am simply ELATED that this hell of a year is ending.
I'd prefer that the family issues we've been having for the last few years weren't worsening by the day but eh. That's not something we have control over.
black sails is the best tv show ever made I do not take criticism about this. sorry if you have a different opinion you are simply dead wrong.
it is weird and not normal that in every situation that arises my first thought is ALWAYS "I've probably done something wrong, oh god" even when... no, I haven't actually done anything wrong.
Merry Christmas anyway. it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. At the very least it wasn't as terrible as easter.
Anyway I'm into bridgerton. Like seriously they made the entire final conflict about wether he creampies her or not I found that shit incredibly funny. It looked like something out of Corsets&Lemons
When I first started the queen's gambit I was all 'yeah, genius and super hot, this is usual movie bullshit'. Then I actually googled ACTUAL chess masters and grandmasters and saw anna rudolf and between the two is anna who I wouldn't believe as an actual character because AT LEAST Beth Harmon is kind of an asshole but Anna is brilliant, hot and superlovely and adorable and nice. THAT'S TOO MUCH, ANNA, YOU ARE HOARDING TOO MANY QUALITIES FOR YOURSELF LEAVE SOMETHING FOR THE REST OF US!!!
Anyway callmekevin is the actual luckiest man alive I hope he knows that
Anyway, at least the christmas surprises are starting to be received, despite the hoops I've had to go through and people are appreciating it.
This christmas is going to be a fucking nightmare I know it already. Even worse than usual. But the other years I knew that at least in the end there would be christmas day, with my family, and it would be FUN. I'm just going to get all the anxhiety I get in this period without any payoff whatsoever. Not even the company of people I like. Or a fucking glass of wine drank not alone. Like every other fucking day during this quarantine.
I've been laughing for like 20 minutes over a anti blog that's like, really anti a very tame ship in a way that's super ridicolous, but, really, what was I expecting, they have a 'things that you should tag because they make me uncomfortable' list that include inktober...
On a different note. That feeling when you are about to start your daily yoga session and the thumbnail is this one:
Just because there's someone that's worse than you out there it doesn't mean that you shouldn't strive to be better. the fact that 'at least I'm not as bad as that person' is NOT an excuse. It's a cop out and I can't stand it.
I had completely forgot that the second season of his dark materials was supposed to air.
Is masriel going to kill me again and again this season too? (I mean, probably not, they do not meet a lot in book2, right? Oh god I forgot completely the timeline)
People actually think I'm strong and all but it doesn't take a lot to hurt me really badly. I just like... soldier on because that's the only thing you can feasibly do.
Ok the christmas idea is on the way if I manage to get to the post office in a day where there aren't 40 people in line.
I'm tired and I need chocolate and I want to sleep and I'm ready for this hell of a week to be over.
I had a weird idea for christmas because this year I can't be with my extended family (which seems like a good thing but my extended family is a chaotic bunch and christmas is always fun to be around them) but I need to put it in motion asap or I won't manage it
I don't feel good at all since yesterday. The frightening thing is how much I need external validation to confirm the fact that yes, I'm right in feeling angry and they didn't have any right in doing what they tried to do yesterday no matter how sorry and pathetic they look. I was getting over it, it's been months since I had my last panic attack and here I need to start all over again because of their selfishness. I cannot do it anymore I need to stop thinking that my mental health always come after everyone else's problems.
Jesus fucking christ. One actually thinks that when you tell someone 'I don't want to speak anymore with you, I'll stop replying and responding to any comunication from now on' it shouldn't be interpreted as 'oh no really please contact me and try agin and again if I don't respond. I really want to talk'.
I'm fairly sure it was clear.
good lord I'm trembling. I do not need this for my mental state.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I LOST ANOTHER DAY TO PLANET ZOO.
Somebody help me I'm spending too many hours on planet zoo.
it's a few months I've been putting music twitch streams on the background while I work.
I need more that streams in the morning in europe.
This might be one of the funniest shit I've read in a while
anyway it's raining and my job is terrible and I just want to sleep and read for the 20th time some good beth/borgov fic.
Where the fuck have those 4 days gone I didn't do shit. Where the fuck has the weekend gone.
Here, ever more excited about the beth/borgov ship and how it's turning out to be a very small but full of great creators on ao3.
good thing about publishing fanart on ao3 with hotlink to neocities: you can change it after publishing it and there are no reblogs you need to think about. It's an important change. I had to change the height of the pants' hem.
My apartment is in a fucking state but all I want to do is to lie on the bed and pretend I'm not available through zoom for any work related reason and just read fanfics.
I still haven't finished to sew the pajama from sunday. and everything is over there on the desk making even more mess. ugh.
I have to say I like this small diary. Compared to other social media it comes with the complete luck of fucks I can give to what I'm writing here. Is what I'm writing boring? who cares. Is it stupid? Still who cares. Will it be ignored? hopefully! It comes with a complete lack of need to perform for views and likes and reblogs and I love it.
Things i want to do this sunday:
+ Hair mask with neem, aritha and kapoor kachli. Always excellent
- Finish sewing those pajama pants with that orange robot fabric that was definitely intended for children clothes
+ 40 minutes of yoga
I almost had a panic attack in a shop. Too many people and there was a person without the mask properly on. I hate people who have the mask half on half off, the nose not covered. What's the point of it. I almost left everything there and ran out. I didn't really.
Anyway spent the entire day in front of spreadsheets. My nerdy side likes spreadsheets.
And I've read this amazing fic
for the queen's gambit, Beth/Borgov. Stunning, sad, emotional. Loved it.
I felt nostalgic today. I created this little 3 pages website as a reminder that a long time back I used to enjoy this stuff. The web wasn't a chore or an unhealthy addiction. It was simple, I liked it. and it was free and creative. And I didn't need to give a fuck about mobile readability. Although on the other hand you didn't have css and sass to make life easier...
Idk what I'm doing right now frankly. I should move my ass an do half an hour of yoga, that way I might do something of my day. Which... is unfair on myself, I live in a perpetual state of 'I haven't done what I should be doing' but the fact is that yes, I've done what I should have been doing today, the fact that I took a couple of ours out of my day to make this website doesn't mean a lot.
I should be nicer to myself. I will do yoga because I enjoy it not because I think I'm slacking off and not doing my duties today.